My silent struggle, to behave with subtly


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Behavior is such sweet sorrow! How else can I say it, without affecting everyone around me. My struggle is not just with anger, but with places that have an immense population, or even pockets of people. The danger of being anywhere, that can possibly go against my favor, is dangerous. I say this, not from a non-fiction point of view, but my reality. For God sakes, I had to learn to cut my own hair, for the sake of being in a barber shop, so I wouldn’t get angry, if someone said something, not to my liking. It is terrifying, to say the least, that I live in the woods because, it’s nature at it’s best. If I happen to be in a place with a handful of people, I can tolerate that, but a place of more than that, it’s a disaster. Talk about introvert….I’m a walking time bomb, not to be confused with a terrorist, cause that I am not. I love my country, but not enough to socialize within it. It truly is beautiful, to share these thoughts with you because this world is becoming a dreadful place to be in and if you haven’t been watching the news, maybe you should. For me, the lives of my kids, wife and television, not to mention…this, is my way of speaking out to you….

What would probably blow your mind is, I wanted to become a Deacon. I went to church and am God-fearing, and He has definitely put me through the ringer, to test my faith. I’ve read and learned the Divine Office, and was studying for the Lay Carmelites. I could not be a monk, because of the fact of marriage and children. I understand that this is the life God has given me, but the fact of adding rage to it, just doesn’t sit too well with me. For many of us, being an introvert, is a part of life. Thankfully, for my sake, this is where I need to be, if not this, then a psychiatric ward would suffice.

Life is cruel, especially for those of us, that are pulled into situations that are not beneficial, but to be able to have some control of where to stay and be safe, is my choice, unless…well, you know! To have a nice, peaceful conversation would be fantastic, but when levels of anger start to creep up, I need to get out of there. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is. Adult-Partial programs at hospitals, worked to a degree and let me just say, that group therapy doesn’t work, for me anyway. Unless, alcoholism is the problem, group therapy doesn’t cut it. I have a broken knuckles in my right hand, from much punching. Weapons, I don’t have and never would want them…A good book, with a good drink, benefits me. Thank God, that I was never the angry drunk. I plainly have a raging-anger problem, that is being dealt with medications. To have medical personnel come to me and not the other way around, is not ideal, but it’s better than road rage and being in prison. I should have started blogging years ago, life would have probably been different. But, it is God’s Will, to have brought me here and now….Better late than never!

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About luis castillo

An introvert who enjoys reading, writing and journal entry and recently picked up iphoneography along the way. My "Walls of Solitude" is my sanctuary and where most, if not all of my writings scream through my fingertips.
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