It’s my worst fear and my best friend. How else can I put it? It’s great in conflict, but the worst in a calm environment. I hate being angry much of the time because of the headaches, the overwhelming heat that surrounds me, the anxiousness of not being able to contain my next move or words that escape my mouth. Why Lord? Why put me through this agony? I ask this question to myself often. It truly is agonizing and painful. My anger is more like a stick of dynamite, in a sealed box. My nerves are always on edge and I’m always a spark away, from full-blown maniac….
Lord, I don’t need this, no one needs this emotion, to this extent! I describe my anger like “The Hulk”, but don’t perceive myself as a Marvel character, I’m too old for that stuff, but it does make for a good movie. Though, the anger of Dr. Banner and I have one thing in common, neither him nor I can control the outburst nor the consequences. It’s my reality and my goodness, does it have me and it has me wrapped up.
Medications and prayer, with support from my family, is all I have….ok, well, I have my writings also. It gets really hard to look anger in the face. I describe it as the unbeatable part of my being, that is the worst part of myself. It usually works against me and puts others at risk. It really does put me in a state of fear, when I get angry, therefore, I stay indoors. How does that work? When a person gets angry, they’re overwhelmed by that emotion of harming others. I get that way, but a side of fear also. It’s a strange, horrible feeling of losing myself. Law enforcement, handcuffs, courts, court officers scares the crap out of me. Does anyone else feel this way? I would love to get some feedback cause I feel like I’m the only one. Everyone, I mean everyone gets angry. Who doesn’t, but is this necessary?. I’ll be perfectly honest, I’ve always had rage, always, but not like this. It really is debilitating.