To write what I know, was never a problem. For the same reasons that most have writing block, is because they draw a blank. I know that is a rough patch to muddle through, but their is something that I’ve never had a problem writing, much less talk about, and that is the war waging between Jesus and Satan within me. Many of us have our good days and our bad days, then some gets bits of heaven and the pains of hell…well, how about living it, precariously speaking.
I was well on my way to being received into the Lay Carmelites and practicing to become a Deacon in the Catholic Church. Attended mass, married within the church and all that is holy. Their was always a struggle with Satan within me. So much so, that though never possessed, I’ve had visions of demons that made much of the goodness in my heart fade and dwell into darkness. Though, fighting it off and praying as I should, I still had the feeling of being observed by demons. I spoke to the Carmelites and saying what I knew they were going to say, “Satan does not want you here”. I knew the closer I was getting to God, the more Satan would try to intervene. It was the obvious answer, to what I knew. As I continued praying the Divine Office, my rosary, and following the obligatory calendar of the Catholic Church, it was becoming adamant that Satan was trying harder to tug me away from the church.
Just for reference, many do not believe in Satan or God, I’ll be one to say that they are very much real. Though to be very honest, I cannot withstand scary movies nor enjoy Halloween and try to push off the negativity and persuasion that Satan offers. It is when I indulge myself in being inconspicuous, that I feel at peace, but somehow feel that it’s not Our Lord that is giving me that peace. It’s painstaking to say that, but it is when I look toward Jesus and know all He has done for us, it is then that I feel most angry and aggressive. It is very much working the opposite of how it should be.
The more I look for God, the angrier I become. It’s unfortunate, but the truth. I’m not an atheist, I believe in God and Satan and let me say that it is exasperating to say the least. Satan has never tempted to give me this or that, but the one thing that I ask for, he seems to give it to me…and that is peace and solitude. Every time I went to God and asked Him for anything, He never answered (in His time, not mine I know). To be prominent, was never my life’s dream, but isn’t it so, that who ever believes in Satan, is a materialist and consumerist who wants all and can’t have enough? That I am the least. I ask for no money and am the humblest of humble. If this was all a trick from Satan, then it is working, but if it’s not a trick, he is surely doing a great job in leading me in his direction. How can Satan give me all that God offers? It’s a paradox that does not make sense. Satan keeps me from trouble, from not losing my decorum in a messed up situation, but when I pray to God…everything was lost!
I’ve tried to transcend all my efforts in trying to overcome Satan’s grasp, but the more I attempt, the tighter he grabs my shoulder. It is as if, he stands just arms length from me, a little bit to the south east of where ever I stand. Piercing eyes, looking at my keyboard and viewing what I write or where ever I travel. I’ve been in more than a handful of situations where I should have been punished, killed, loss of limbs, physically hit by a car, or T-boned by another car, held at gun point or what have you and I’ve always seen the same dark figure piercing through me by the corner. (Let me just say Satan is tall).
I don’t like parties, drugs nor the nightlife. I don’t look for trouble, but sometimes I feel the exhortation of things and very often have deja vu. Yes, I do live a serene lifestyle with both Satan and God nearby, but it seems Satan is the one keeping me in my blissful burrow, while God tries to turn me into the extrovert that was never meant to be.