Daily Mourning

It pains to be me. Everyday I wake up regretting my existence. I have no friends, nor do I need them because I’m very unsociable. As a matter of fact, I haven’t had friends for many, many…many years. All I have is my wife and kids. But, I even destroyed that. I was unfaithful about two years ago and have been on a downward spiral ever since. I’ve spoken to my psychiatrist and my psychologist, but that seems not to do much at all. I have no way of masking my past and all it does is interfere with my way of thinking today. I have lost my wife because of that. Though we live together and are trying to make it work, but her love for me is finished. If their was anything I could do to repair that distrust, I would. I have confessed to her, my parents, our children, a priest and nothing. I have been to inpatient therapy and nothing. Talking about what I’ve done hasn’t helped. To make matters worse, the other woman became pregnant. All is lost for me and to make matters worse, I’m not well….mentally. I have severe issues that prevent me from holding a job for long before I explode. What pains me is, I didn’t go out of my way to cheat, she came to me and it happens that during the time of my cheating, me and my wife had problems of our own, which led to my cheating. It wasn’t a romantic relationship, just sex, but that’s beside the point.

My life has come to the point of watching the success of our kids to succeed in their lives. I have absolutely no social life, none. I am a full fledged hermit with no inhaling of outside air, unless I have a doctors appointment or to drive to some family emergency. My life is a disaster zone without the possibility of getting better. I am 33 years old and slowly dying inside. I’ve never killed anyone, but have the ability to and that frightens me because I’ve lost so much without doing much. Does that make sense? To be diagnosed with something horrific that I didn’t know existed with other commonly known illnesses.

I have only a few things that I do during my days and that is doing the best I can to aid my children with school work, writing, reading and television and the cleaning of my apartment…that is all. I don’t associate with anyone outside of this place, no parties, no baseball gatherings, nor super bowl fun. I am dull to most and fearful to some. I have the ability to go mad, but am afraid to because of the consequences of what will happen after. I have the intimidating face, but am afraid of a fight. I hate violence because of what it brings, but I explode so easily that it frightens me all the time.

Waking up in the morning is very painful for me, not physically, but emotionally and mentally. What keeps me moving is watching my two year old son, who looks like my twin, grow each day. Seeing him grow is like watching my life grow all over again. It pains me to see him not knowing the mistakes of his father, but it pains me more to know that I’ll probably not see him reach old age. I am manically depressed, but that’s the least of all my issues and if being depressed alone was enough, I would sincerely accept it.

I used to praise God…prayed the rosary, attended mass and even the Carmelite Order and was about to be received into the Order. With confessing of my transgressions, I thought God forgave me and the thought of moving forward with my life was achievable. Oh, how wrong I was. My life has taken such a turn for the worse, that being one with God was too hypocritical. One cannot live the life of Christ and be such a mess.

I share this with all who read it because though life is difficult and harsh to many of us, I know their are others with issues that have to be dealt with. Unfortunately for me, my issues stem from something deep….so deep that I fear for myself and anyone that comes along. My interpersonal skills are somewhat weak, and my first impression is hit or miss. Physically I am 5’11” 225 pounds, but its a façade. I don’t like fighting because of outcome of taking it too far. I am a pacifist at heart, but snap so easily and step out of myself just as quickly.

I’ve always enjoyed classical music, opera and trance. Those are my gateways to somewhere else for awhile. Many things set me off to the brink of anything goes, but so little brings me back to being calm. At least I know what brings me to the brink and I wisely stay away. It just really sucks to not be able to see the world as most do. I’m such an isolated person that I live in an extremely rural area, which I enjoy. I hate crowds and I hate noise.

Hi, my name is Luis and I have intensive explosive disorder, nice to meet you…


About luis castillo

An introvert who enjoys reading, writing and journal entry and recently picked up iphoneography along the way. My "Walls of Solitude" is my sanctuary and where most, if not all of my writings scream through my fingertips.
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