Where are You Lord? Why haven’t you saved me from my predicament? I’ve settled on the notion that my dilemma is all on me and only I can help myself. The only difference is faith and belief…the belief that if I caved and cried my eyes out to You and asked for forgiveness, to spare me such a horrible fate is over. To constantly read that You will help me in Your time and not mine, has become irrelevant. It has been almost two years of groveling and weeping for not. I truly believe that we all face the consequences of all our actions and to simply say and trust in You, to help us through our misfortunes and our grieving process, is for not. We only have those that we desire to help us and be close to us, but to look at You in a painting or sculpture and to constantly pray for help to somehow bypass our bad luck and our mistakes, does nothing. I have read about You and studied You for so many years. I have read stories on how You have helped and come to those that have needed You, but to be perfectly honest…I have been at my precipice for sometime now and You have never given an inkling, or a nudge that You’re there.
It’s not fair, but to come to the realization that life is all about choices that we make and the roads taken, are all on us. I still believe You are real, but quickly dwindling away. I have struggled with my marriage, way of life, psychologist and psychiatrist appointments, not to mention meds. The difficulties of going through the daily motions is rough and slowly moving forward.